May 2nd 2017 : Depression is haunting me back

It's been a long time since I blogged. This will be my first post for this blog. I do not like writing on diaries and most people do not know me in real world *I isolate myself from having lots of backstabbers and most people just hate me for who I am*. And that is why I think writing here should be no problem for me. Plus, I want to improve my HTML and CSS skills.

Anyway, back to the post title. Yes, my depression is coming back. There's a few factors triggering my depression to come back actually.

1. My result for previous semester (Sem 6) is not what I expected. I expected better at least. But I guess God will always test my patience. I failed to get Deans List this time. My mom was upset. She expect me to retain the title because I never once failed to get the Deans List so far. And why must it be on the final semester? Sh*t happens I guess. My CGPA from 3.50 above dropped to 3.25 cause of FYP project. It's a luck that my GPA did not drop so much. 
2. I do not know why but my lectures' words are repeating in my ears right now. "FYP project is the only time for you to show what you have learned for the previous 5 semesters in college.". "FYP project is the time for you to shine.". This means that what I had learned for 5 semesters are wasted. I admit I was bad at PHP. But never do I know that my result would be B-. I expected a B.
3. I went to consult Dr. Danny from Adventist. The surgery cost is cheap compared to other place in Malaysia. RM7,000 below is already cheap for me as others charged RM9,000 above. However, I am financially unstable. I tried to save more than RM1,000 but always failed. Plus, I am the eldest. So my family expect a lot from me. Most of my money are spend for them. I kind of like scolded my mom just now. I told her I am unable to support my family anymore. I cannot always spend my money to buy stuffs for my sisters. I need to be selfish too. She just kept quiet. I am trying to keep my head cool and I am trying not to blame them about being financially unstable although I knew they are the ones at fault.
4. I was the one who recommended that doctor to my friends. However, they get to do the surgery first. Which makes me kind of like jealous. It's all about money. If you had money, you can immediately do it. They say I am still young. I can wait. But the truth is, I want to be free as fast as possible. I can't stand it when I look at the mirror. It makes me sick not having the body I wanted.
5. My internship can be suck. Cause I still need to use the ♀ locker. I look like a ♂ now. Logically, I shouldn't be placed at the ♀ locker. But I understand the HR concerns. Anything can happen to me if I am placed in the ♂ locker since I haven't undergo any surgery yet. Man.. Life sure sucks.. If only I had enough money, I can do surgery last month already before internship starts. When I use the ♀  locker obviously people will have strange thoughts about me and will approach me or approach someone who knew me to ask about it which I dislike a lot.
6. I need to work part-time again cause my intern place do not provide salary. I actually wanted to work as a Nestle promoter as the salary is worth it but my previous employee in Parkson need my help plus they agree for me to work 3 hours only. It's a pain to think that I had to work in Parkson again. I tried to avoid Parkson but my fate with that place is already tied I guess. So that means I have to bear myself from going to toilet for more than 2 hours again. The reason I don't drink water a lot is because I don't want to go toilets a lot of time which is bad for my health actually. Well, my failure life is intended to be destroyed anyway. I do not care anymore. And I have to hear bad things about me again especially from Malay community.

I never choose to be this way. I want to normal like everyone else. I want to go through marriage too like a ♂ . I want to have wife and kids too. I want to be happy with my body too. I want to have friends who never discriminate me too. A lot of things more actually. I never have been happy being born a  ♀. Unfortunately, that will never happen as long as I live.. Fate is cruel to me I guess.